Being a dom comes much more easily and naturally to me than being a submissive. Hell, I have never really even BEEN submissive in a relationship. Maybe that is why I want to explore it and be submissive to a dominating, forceful, cruel, sensual Mistress. It is something to explore, the unknown, it is going against what comes natural for me. There is a certain attraction in trying something that does not come naturally. That is why people get such a rush sky diving or bungee jumping - it is not something that is not natural.

I know I am a good Dom. I have had submissives in the past, both online and in person. I have trained with other Doms before to learn techniques and styles and then blended them into my own unique blend. I could go into this for pages and maybe this is another post to do someday. I have to remember to keep in track in my thoughts - I too easily jump from topic to topic and before I know it, my intended message is completely obscured.

But would I be a good Submissive? Could I be trained to be compliant to the will of another? Or would I be difficult to train, always pulling against my natural instinct to dom and pushing back against the will of my Mistress.
Case in point: I was dating a woman who seemed very vanilla. Attractive, sweet, fun to be around. The sex was good. Not mind blowing crazy but not boring either. It was not a Dom/Submissive relationship, but I was clearly leading the way in the bedroom. As time went on and she got more comfortable, she started to push back against me....she wanted to be in charge. She began telling me to shut up if I was talking dirty to her and would say "Less talk, fuck me harder". If I tried to pin her hands over her head, she would resist. If I tried to take control and flip her into a different position, she would rebel and flip me over and get on top of me. At first, I was too surprised, and turned on, to do much about it. She was taking more and more control.....slapping my ass as I fucked her, telling me where and when to cum on her, telling me what position to fuck her. If I would push back, she would push me down and mount me, controlling me from the top. It got to the point where she would tell me that this fucking session was all about her and she would let me fuck her until I made her cum hard...then she would push me off and roll over. Usually, I didn't even cum because I was so intent on pleasing her. But I fought her every step of the way. I never truly submitted to her and let her take control. I fought and pushed and rebelled against her taking control, even while it turned me on immensely. After she would go to sleep, I would jerk off beside her, thinking about how hot it was that she was controlling ME.

The point is...why didn't I just submit?? If even submitting a little turned me on so much, why did I fight it? Was fighting her what turned me on? Or was it that she was controlling me?

I don't know. Maybe I needed a stronger personality to truly take control and MAKE me submit. Or maybe I can't give up complete control like a submissive needs to do.

Either way, I need to find out.

Well, after talking with a friend online here (you know who you are!) I decided to delete my first post and do it again. Here is the rationale: My first post was obviously not making any sense, as evidenced by the comments I was receiving. Clearly, I did not explain myself well. More importantly, my new friend was able to point out two things that practically made my first post completely useless. One, what I wrote that I was looking for and what I actually WAS looking for were two different things and two, I gave away WAY too much personal information up front. This is the internet after all...you can't be too careful, right?

So, let me try this again.......

I have been out of the BDSM scene for over 4 years. This was just due to life in general, not a conscious choice. I moved halfway across the company, my job was (and is) consuming alot of my time, getting my masters degree at night, etc. However, in the last year, but especially the last 3 or 4 months, it has been at the forefront of my mind and I can't deny that I have been consumed with getting back into the lifestyle again. But there is a twist.....

Let me back up. I used to live in Boston, MA. Born and raised, I lived there until I moved to the Midwest ni 2002. While in Boston, I was fairly heavy into BDSM. I was a Dom, a Master. Over several years I had several submissive women, both in person and online/phone. Most of the subs I had were new to the scene and needed a patient, yet stern, teacher to show them the ropes, to let them decide for themselves if wanted this lifestyle. I would like to think I was an excellent Master.
In 2002, I moved to the Midwest due to a job transfer and fell out of the lifestyle. The move was very difficult for me and I had a rough time adjusting to my new surroundings. My job was very demanding. I had left all my friends and family in Boston. I went into a shell and threw myself into my job.
Flash forward to 2006. I am comfortable here now, I consider it my home. The people are so much more laid back, the cost of living is so much lower and I have made incredible friends. I consider this my home now. The more comfortable I have been getting, the more BDSM has been creeping back into my mind...more and more and more.

There is not even near a BDSM scene out here in Ohio than there was in Boston. The groups I looked at were mostly posers and fakers, guys just trying to get laid and women pretending to be enjoying themselves. It was not a lifestyle or something to be enjoyed, it was a "game." So I have difficulty finding like minded people.....oh yeah, the twist I mentioned earlier??

As I have been thinking more and more about my past in BDSM and where my future might lead me...it is not just being a Master. It is also being a submissive. Which is TOTALLY new to me.

My friend whom I mention at the start of this blog, made me realize that I may be a Switch. Something I never envisioned myself being. I was always Dom. Where did this yearning for submission come into play? Why did it come into play??

How hard is it to find a Mistress to serve? I know how to look for and find a right submissive. But I have no idea how to find a Mistress. Will this only remain a fantasy?

So many questions, so little answers.